It has been FOREVER since I have posted here in live journal.
Tons of things have happened since then and my life has changed a whole lot.
Because of that, I thought that a new lj username and journal were in order.
If anyone would like to add me again, my new journal is under: ganesha_girl

Last night, I didn't dream anything too exciting; it was kind of strange though.
I was in the living room at my grandparent's house in America. All of the old furniture was there, which kind of seems to be a theme when I dream about being back home; the furniture is always the same as it was when I was a kid and not like it is now. My grandfather was sitting in his usual spot. My spot was usually next to him, but my grandma was sitting there instead. Not directly next to her, but a seat cushion down, sat E's brother, next to him was E, and then I was next to him. None of us were talking or anything, we were just watching TV. It wasn't any kind of awkward silence though, just people watching TV.
Linkin Park was performing live on TV. They were not singing any of their songs though, but their own version of the Turkish band maNga's song "Bir Kadın Çizeceksin". Most would consider maNga to be the Turkish version of Linkin Park, but it was rather strange to see Linkin Park being the American version of maNga. :P Linkin Park sung, or rapped, the verses in English. I don't believe it was a direct translation of the original song. The chorus, on the other hand, was sung/screamed by Chester with his amazing voice...in Turkish! That was pretty sweet to hear!! I bet there aren't too many other people who could say they have heard Chester sing in Turkish before :PP
Then that was it. Dream over. Could it mean anything? Maybe, maybe not. I am hoping it means that someday I will be able to sit on a couch with E and my grandparents, and I guess his brother too ^_^, and be able to watch TV like a normal family, inshaAllah! That would be sweet! Gotta pray hardcore for that!

maNga : Bir Kadın Çizeceksin

Last night, I honestly don't know if it was a dream, or a nightmare or real, but I have to say that I was truly scared to death!
It wasn't long after I had gotten into bed. I rolled over onto my back, opened my eyes, and I swear to you there was an old man standing at the end of the bed just staring down with this rather blank look on his face. I jumped and started screaming bloody murder. E. jumped up, grabbed me and begged to know what was wrong. If I remember right, I think he kind of screamed out of fear that something horrible was happening. After I had screamed, I could't talk for a bit. My heart was pouning 1000 beats per minute and I was shaking out of shock and fear. E. pulled my close and kept asking what had happened. Then I was finally able to say that I had seen a man standing at the end of the bed; a tall old man. He was rather disturbed by this, seeing as how we have had some issues with strange noises, including footsteps, and cupboards and the fridge opening on their own in this place. He held me close and prayed. I couldn't close my eyes because all I could do was see this old man's face. I had to turn on the light, and for the first time in my life, had to sleep with it on...that is...once I finally got to sleep.
Of course, it was only 1am when that happened, so the night was rather long. E. sat up with me for a bit until I felt that I would be able to fall back to sleep.
He asked me what the man looked like...
He was rather tall, he had white hair and a white beard; not a long one, but full. I really only had a good look at his face, but I could have sworn that he was wearing and ihram, or at least something very similar. He had rather deep wrinkles in his long face.
It was almost embarassing for me, since I had really screamed like I never have, except for may on a roller coaster, before. Usually when I am really scared, I cannot move, let alone make a sound; so my screams scared me just as much as E. (I only hope that none of the neighbors were able to hear.)
Like I said, I had to leave the light on to fall asleep. Usually I am one to complain if the there is moonlight in the room because I need it to be pitch black to fall asleep, but somehow I managed to doze off it the lamp shining right next to my head. I really think that the only way I was able to fall asleep though, aside from the fact that I was holding E.'s hand, was that I just kept on saying الله اكبر over and over again; which made me feel surprisingly calm, الحمد لله.

And now, on a not so scary note, two of my fave songs by Sami Yusuf!
Hasbi Rabbi (Sung in English, Turkish, Hindi and Arabic)
Sami Yusuf

Asma Allah
Asma Allah

Biraz sofi müziği (Kürt) / A litte Sufi Music (Kurdish)
Çok güzel! / Beautiful!

Doğum günün kutlu olsun, bebeğim!
Rüyaların hemen hemen hakikat olacaklar!
Happy Birthday, baby!
Pretty soon your dreams are going to come true!

E's 24th birthday is Friday. Of course, I wanted to be able to do something, or get something, special for him; especially since he has done sooooo much for me in the recent, and distant, past. Of course, I couldn't think of anything good enough, at least nothing that would be realistic at the moment; seeing as how money is extremely tight. But then, the other day, while walking home after tutoring some English, I was lucky enough to come fact to face with the most perfect birthday present of all time!!



OMG! OMG! OMG!
*Extreme moment of excitement and girlie giddiness*
My prayers were answered! The perfect gift!
And the fact that I found that poster before the racist nazi's of the city tore it down was truly a miracle!
Seeing Tarkan live has been a dream of E's since forever. Since we were in high school he always talked about it and how he thought he would never have teh chance to see him and how great it would be if we could go and see him together. Well, as soon as I got home from seeing this poster, I got online to see about tickets.
Strangely enough, you can't order tickets online, and you can only buy them in a few shoops in the whole city. VIP tickets are also available, though they cost a pretty penny, but nothing but the best for my man, right?? VIP ticketsare only available in one shop in the entire freakin' country...which luckily happens to be just a 30 min. walk from my place!! So, I magically pulled this amazing sum of cash out of my ass, which will put me back on a diet of bread, cheese and water for a few months, but who freakin' cares if that means that E will be amazingly happy? Who cares if it we are talking about seeing Tarkan live???
I made my way to the shop, which happens to be a Turkish grocery store, went in and got two VIP tickets for the show. The guys working/hanging out there were in awe by teh fact taht an American in Wien was dishing out the cash for a Tarkan concert...which I have to admit, much have been a rather odd occurance. They asked if I understand Turkish. I was totally happy to be able to say: Biraz. Sonunda öğreniyorum. We chatted in some simple Turkish for a bit about Tarkan and then I made my way back home. That was so cool! I finally got to practice with people who are not by teacher or boyfriend ^_^
E has known that I have had something special in mind for his b-day present, and when he came home yesterday I had to let him know that I had gotten it. Of course, he then started searching around the apartment like an excited little kid (strange reaction coming from someone who didn't want anything at all no matter what :P) I was really excited about it too, so, of coruse, I gave in and gave him the tickets last night. The look on his face was a definite kodak moment, if I do say so myself. I can't even describe his reaction. He was so surprised, so happy, in a blissful state of shock. He didn't even know that Tarkan was coming to town. He just blurted out: O mein Gott! Verstehst du? Das ist ein Traum! Das ist das beste Geschenk aller Zeiten! Danke! Danke! Danke! (O my God! Do you realize this is a dream come true? This si the best present of all time! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!)
Oh yeah! 1000 bajillion points to me for the win!! It was so great! He called his brother right away to make him jealous :P And he was pretty much in an excited and giddy state of shock the whole night. As far as I know, I have never been able to make a dream of anyone's come true until last night; and what a great feeling that is! And, I have to admit, the fact that I will be able to see Tarkan live with him was always a dream of mine as well. I better start working on my Turkish listening skills so that I can understand every word he says between songs!!! ^_^

Tarkan'ı canlı seyredeceğiz!! OMG!! :D :D :D :D
Tarkan Uzun ince bir yoldaim

It is way early in the morning, and I thought that it would be nice to listen to something sweet and mellow...then, just my luck! someone had posted this in my Turkish Lang forum!!
I love me some classical Turkish!!!

NBE & Jordi Savall : Kavaklar

Nobody will ever be able to top The Beatles or the other bands of the 60s and 70s (Led Zeppelin, The Who, Black Sabbath, etc.)

I really wish that my apartment was high up enough to assure death if I jumped out of the window right now.

Well, today he left.
He actually left the apartment before 8 last night in order to finish packing.
Is it crazy to already feel so empty?
I just cannot stop thinking about the fact that he will not be back until the 5th of October.
I already miss him so much and a whole month without seeing his face, without him holding me, without his scent on my skin...
This is going to be the longest month ever; I have the horrible feeling in my stomach already.
I couldn't sleep last night because of it, and ended up getting a huge migraine and just laying in bed all day.
I was supposed to go have a Turkish lesson, but I had to call and cancel; there is no way I could have made it there and had been able to concentrate on anything.
I guess it kind of worked out for the best though, because I did not really have time over the weekend to study new vocabulary (Plus my teacher actually ended up having a migraine and spending the day in bed too). To be honest, I still haven't really gone over it the way I would have liked to. I just feel so blah...and even though I really want to study it all of the time, the energy to actually pick up my notebook and do it is lacking. How I can be so ambitious and lazy at the same time is beyond me, but I guess I have kind of always been that way; one extreme or the other.

In my old LJ, the one I had when I was still in school, I used to used it every now and then to make study guides for myself for tests and things. Usually I prefer to write things down with pen and paper, but sometimes, when I am in lazy mood like I am now, it was just easier to type things out instead. I think that is what I am going to do now so that I do not blank out too much tomorrow morning when I go to make up todays missed lesson....

Frage Suffix: mı, mi, mu, mü

Positiv Frage-Satz:

Ben kitap okuyor muyum? Sen yazıyor musun? O gülüyor mu?
Biz çalışıyor muyuz? Siz öğreniyor musunuz? Onlar koşuyorlar mu?

Nagativ Frage-Satz:

Ben almıyor muyum? Sen içmiyor musun? O kahvaltı etmiyor mu?
Biz yaşamıyor muyuz? Siz susamıyor musunuz? Onlar dinlemiyorlar mı?

Lokativ Suffix: -da -de -ta -te

Ben Viyana'da yaşıyorum. Sen Türkiye'de yaşıyor musun? O Amerika'da oturuyor.
Biz 12. Bölge'de okuyoruz. Siz Amerika'da yaşamıyor musunuz? Onlar Meidling'de oturuyorlar mı?

Frage Wörter:

Kaç? / Wie viel?
Ne? / Was?
Niçin? / Warum?
Nerede? / Wo?
Ne zaman? / Wann?

Sen nerede oturuyorsun?
Ne içmek istiyorsun?
..........................(? suffix not needed when a ? word is used)

Hafta (Die Woche):

Pazartesi
Salı
Çarşamba
Perşembe
Cuma
Cumartesı
Pazar

Mevsimler (Jahreszeiten):

İlkbahar
Yaz
Sonbahar
Kış

Aylar (Monate):

Ocak
Şubat
Mart
Nisan
Mayıs
Haziran
Temmus
Ağustos
Eylül
Kasım
Aralık

Sein-Satz,Positiv & Negativ & Fragen(Beruf):

Ben öğretmenim. Ben anne değilim.
Sen öğrencisin. Sen doktor değilsin.
O boyacı mı? Değıl. O şarkıcı.
Biz öğrenciyiz. Biz öğretmen değiliz.
Siz şoför musunuz? Siz hemçiresiniz.
Onlar muhasebeciler. Onlar ressam değiller mi?

After being offline for over a month now, I am finally back.
Afer the CELTA I got moved into the new place. It is a rather sweet apartment and the location isn't bad either.
I guess a lot has happened since the last time I posted here. I think that I had mentioned the Turkish student that I had during the CELTA who was willing to give me real Turkish lessons for English lessons, right? Well, he isn't giving me lessons himself, his wife is; and from what I have found out, she is the best Turkish teacher in the entire city...most likely the whole country; and instead of payging a huge load of money for each lesson, I just have to spend the same amount of time with her 8 year old son teaching him English. Not a bad deal if you ask me! Plus, the guy who got me involved in all this in the first place, well, I am now the official English teacher/translator for his business (which is translating/tutoring/language lessons). Not bad, huh?
I still do not have a full time job though, and that kind of sucks, but I am managing and will surely be getting one soon enough.

What is rather frustrating me at the moment:
E., I have to admit, has been getting on my nerves lately. Don't misunderstand me though, the relationship is great as always, but he has yet to move into our apartment yet, and that is starting to really bother me. He hasn't even told his family yet that he has an apartment, let alone an apartment with me. What is that all about? I mean, he is almost 24 years old, and he does not have the balls to tell mommy and daddy that he has got his own place? Also, I am living here with nothing but a bed, and now the internet, with so little money that I have been literally been living off of bread and cheese (with the occasionally cucumber) for almost three months now. He gets to go home to mommy every day with all the luxuries that one is used to having when still living with their parents and eating warm home cooked meals. When people decide to take that step to live with eachother, pretty much be married, is that not when they are both supposed to start toughing everything out together? I mean, I can deal with my circumstances right now, I am not complaining about that at all, that is just what I am supposed to be going through right now, but E.? No, he cannot come here because there is no order or furniture. Why the heck did he decide to take this step when he knew that it would be like this in the beginning? I can live like a bum, he thinks that is great since I come from a family that is used to having every luxury and then some, but he cannot spend more than two nights in a row here. I am sorry, but I think I have the right to complain a bit here, don't I?
Then, on top of that, on Monday he is driving with his family out of the country and won't be back for a month. So yeah, he is leaving me here, in a country that I am only in because of him, to spend a month doing absoltely nothing but hanging out in one of the nicest cities Turkey has to offer. What the f***??? He will be off having a good time living it up in Türkiye, and I will be sitting here trying to find EuroCents on the ground so that I can afford bread for the next day. I do have stuff that I need to get done, of course, and I will hopefully be teaching some English and such getting some extra cash, but there are some things that I need to take care of that I am totally clueless about and need his help with, things that I asked him to help me with months ago and he never even looked at until last weekend. REALLY IMPORTANT STUFF and he is just leaving me here with nothing.
I love the man to death, but he really needs to grow up. Seriously! Almost 24 and still afraid to leave the nest...afraid to even tell anne ve baba about the woman that he claims to be the future mother of his children. He and I understand eachother so well on every level but this one. When it comes to how his mind is working here, I am absolutely clueless.

Well, I think I am going to stop ranting about this and start catching up my blog-reading.
Laters...

This evening E. came and took me to see the apartment (um ehrlich zu sein haben wirs auch ausprobiert :P). It is really great, even better than he described it as being. I knew I could trust him 150% to find a home for us. Mmm...a home. That is something that I have been longing for for the longest time. We already took a couple of my boxes there, so that lightens the load a bit for tomorrow. I seriously cannot wait to move in and to start getting everything fixed up to our liking! I feel so much better now. Such a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders, الحمد لله
I've got to get to bed now, so I will probably be signing off until sometime next week when we get internet. So yeah...hope everyone enjoys their weekend!

I am going insane!!! I need to move out tomorrow and I still am not 100% sure if I will have a place to move to. I should, but the fact that E. hasn't been able to go and sign anything yet and get the key is driving me crazy!!! The people in this country are the worst business people in the world. And if they call him later to say that even though they promised us the apartment they have given it to someone else, I don't know what I am going to do. I will be so pissed off. Yes. Pissed off. It takes A LOT and I mean A LOT to make me even slightly angry, let alone pissed off, but if they screw us over with this again, I am telling you I am going to be in a rage. I absolutely hate this last minute crap. How this country can function like this is beyond me.

O man. I seriously feel another panic attack coming on. Please no! That is the last thing that I need right now.

اﷲ please give me the strength and patience I need to get through all of this! Please let everything work out with the apartment! And please please keep me from having a panic attack!

Last night I had two dreams that I remember.

1:
It was nighttime and I was wandering around the 1. Bezirk in Vienna. It wasn't really Vienna though. I mean, the layout was pretty much the same, and for the most parts the buildings were sitting in their proper locations, but everything looked way prettier then it really is. I mean, if Vienna really looked like it did in my dream, it would seriously be one of the most beautiful cities in the world. Like I said, I was wandering around in the first. I was near the opera, I think. Lights were shining everywhere. It was georgious how the light was reflecting off of everything. Then all of a sudden I realized how late it was and that I should really go home. I called E. to see if he could come and pick me up since it was late and I wasn't really sure which trains to take or if they were even running anymore. I talked to him but I do not remember what was said. For some reason he could not come and get me, but I guess he told me where I needed to go to catch the right trains and such.
Then all of a sudden I was in an U-Bahn (Subway) station; it was daytime. I went down the steps to get to the right platform, but the escalator was deformed or something and took me to the wrong side. I tried 5 or 6 times to get to the right side of the tracks to get on the train that I needed, but this weird escalator just wouldn't let me. I tried to just jump down onto where the tracks are to run over to the right platform, but there was a guy there who I am guessing was a policeman, even though he was dressed like train conductor from the 19. century. He told me I would just have to take the train on the other side, even if it was going in the wrong direction. The weird thing about these train stops, was that in order for the trains to stop, they drove into a wall that had a big rubber bumper thing on it, which made the train bounce back to a halt. Then the train would cross over to the other track to drive on. Weird. The strange placemend of this deformed escalator made it so I still needed to walk over the tracks to get to the platform. I was in the middle of the tracks, practically leaning on the bumper that the train would run into when it arrived. Right then I just got the overwhelming feeling of hopelessness and thought I would just stay there and let the train crash into me. I could see the train coming and stood there against the bumper with my arms stretched out just waiting for it to comes and end it all. Then some ladies grabbed me and pulled me onto the platform.
The train got there and I only had, probably, 2 seconds to get in. The door handle was weird and I fumbled trying to open it. The train already started back up as the door was opening and the thing started to pull away while I was in the process of going through the door.
I got to the next station and got off of the train. I had no idea where I was. No way that I was still in the city, but whatever. I hoped that I would be able to get onto the right platform here so that I could just go back in the opposite direction and end up home (where ever that was). As I was above ground to go around to the other side I realized that I was pretty much in the middle of no where. The U-Bahn station was just in the middle of a field somewhere. I couldn't even see the city in the distance, then the dream just ended.

2:
As for the second dream, I am guessing that E. and I were in our new apartment. I am not going to go into detail about this one, but I will just say that it was a very XXX rated kind of dream. ^_^ It seemed to last for hours and it was so real. I would say the most real dream of its kind that I have ever had. When I woke up I had a huge grin on my face until I realized where I was and that I was alone. That totally sucked. I tried to fall back to sleep and fall back into the dream, but, of course, that didn't happen. Grrr! Oh well. Even though I had to wake up, at least I am in a good mood because of it. :)))

Ich fühl mich irgendwie krank, aber ich weiß nicht, ob es psychisch ist oder nicht. Der Kurs ist vorbei und jetzt muss ich schon mit dem nächsten Kapitel meines Lebens anfangen. Ich hab mir gar nicht überlegt, was genau ich jetzt machen sollte. Wohnung und Visum sind ja am wichtigsten, aber dann? Ich muss zugeben, ich hab etwas Angst vor der Job-Suche. Was wirklich blöd ist, ist dass wenn ich wirklich anfangen muss, nach nem Job zu suchen usw, wird E. nicht da sein, um mich zu unterstützen. Ich finds echt blöd, dass er einen ganzen Monat in der Türkei sein wird, gleich nachdem wir in die Wohnung einziehen. Einen ganzen Monat!!!! Einen ganzen scheiß Monat!!!! Ich habs kaum überlebt, als er zwei Wochen weg war und jetzt geht er einen ganzen Monat weg und ich werd da ganz allein sein....ganz ganz allein. Ich hab mich schon so drauf gefreut, unseren ersten Ramadan zusammen zu verbringen, und er wird nicht da sein. Naja...vielleicht ist es doch besser, denn ich könnte mich dann die ganze Zeit auf اﷲ‎ konzentrieren (doch ich mein, dass das echt einfacher wär, wenn er bei mir wär). Hoffentlich schaff ich das, statt wieder ur depressiv zu werden, inshallah...

Langsam glaub ich, dass ich wirklich süchtig nach ihm bin. Wenn wir nicht zusammen sind, fühl ich mich irgendwie wie Scheiße, dann erst eine Sekunde in seiner Gegenwart und ist alles wieder gut.

Wow! That month sure went by fast. Four weeks of fulltime school and teaching on top of it. Crazy. After the first week, I was already counting down the days until it would be over so that I would be able to actually get a decent nights sleep again and not want to throw myself in front of a train every day due to the stress, but now I really am shocked and kind of sad that it is over...but oh so happy that all of the stress and frustration and tears are over with!
The ten other CELTA trainees and the two trainers were great. I couldn't have asked for a better or more diverse group to be with. I have definitely built a lot of new friendships that will definitely last. All of the students we had were amazing as well.
I have learned so much in the past month and have no doubt that my teaching has extremely improved. I actually know how to organize a proper lesson now and have actually somehow made teaching grammar one of my strengths...and that is what my biggest fear was i nthe first place, not being able to teach English grammar properly.
I have to say that I feel really great now knowing that with passing the CELTA I am now able to teach English all over the world. It is seriously like having a key to every nation; and for me that has got to be one of the coolest things in the world.
I do not have a solid job lined up anywhere yet, but I do have a few people who would like to get private lessons with me, which will start bringing in some extra cash so that I do not have live on a few pieces of bread a day like I have been for over a month now.
Now the main focus is getting moved into the new apartment with E. next week (WOOHOO!!), and getting the final papers for my visa sorted so that I can get the visa and finally officially settle down here. That should take a few weeks, I would think, as long as nothing else extreme happens. ( E. and I already had two different apartments that we were supposed to move into, but then right before we were to get the contract signed and such, the bastard "Makler" gave the places to someone else!!!! GRRRRRRR!!!!)
I really cannot wait to get moved into the new place, even if it will practically be empty for quite a while. It will be paradise in comparison to being where I am now though. Then again, how could it not be if E. is there with me? :)
Oh yes! Another great thing that has come out of the CELTA is that one of the students, along with his wife, teach Turkish! And we have discussed setting things up so that I will give English lessons for Turkish lessons. How sweet is that? I will be sending them an email a bit later on today to try to get things set up. That is the coolest thing ever! They are also involved with people who teach Arabic, so I really managed to get some great connections to improve my languages, as well as help others with theirs. *HappyDance*
I was finally able to get in bed at a decent time last night, and was able to sleep in today as well, but after a month of insanity, I have to admit that I am still pretty wiped out. I think I am going to lay down for a little bit and just be a lazy bum ^_^
It is so great to be back online though. LJ and all my peoples on it, I missed you! :))

My Song of the Week // Mia : Mein Freund

Dream from last night:

It was extremely dark outside. I have no idea where I was coming from, where I was, or where I was going to. I was in a a tour/travel bus travelling alone. There were other people in the bus, but not many and they all seemed to be asleep. We made a pit stop at what looked like a normal gas station, but there were other tour busses parked outside of it as well.
I got out of the bus. I carried by back pack on one shoulder. I am not sure why I got out of the bus though because I didn't buy anything or use the restroom. The bus was parked strangs, so to get back on I had to walk around the back of it to get back in, maybe it was a British bus since the doors were on the left side? Like I said, I walked around the bus to get back in, but as I stepped in the bus all of a sudden I was back around on the other side making my way around the back again to get in. I actually noticed this in my dream. It was really weird. Even though it through me off, it didn't seem to phase me too much.
I got back in my seat and kind of proped myself up agains the arm of the chair to get in the best lounging position as possible. My shoulders were proped up on the aisle side of the seat so that I could stare directly out of the window. It was still pitch black, in and outside of the bus.
The bus started driving and we drove over a bridge. Then all of a sudden I could see a huge white moon shining over the water. It was beautiful.
Then a little boy's head popped up from behind my seat. He just smiled at me. I smiled back and placed my hand on the side of his cheek; kind of like a mother would her child. He just kept smiling at me, and I at him with my hand resting on his cheek. A really warm feeling came upon me. But then a the rather gangster-like man that the boy was sitting next to woke up and made the boy sit back down in his seat. The man gave me kind of a mean look and grumbled something. Then I woke up...

E.! There is absolutely no contest. He is my soulmate. Without him, I am absolutely incomplete. If I had to choose between living a normal life (whatever a normal life may be), or spending the rest of my life with him but only in a plain white room with no windows; I would choose the plain white room with him and would be the happiest woman on earth for the rest of my life. Bu adamı çOOOOOOk seviyorum!!